Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Color My World

Okay, who’s attaching those offensive footers to the bottom of my emails?

“Help make the earth a greener place. If possible resist printing this email and join us in saving paper.”

I…just…...can’t………..resist! [print] Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. It feels so good to be so bad.

First of all, who, exactly, is “us”? ‘Cause I know I didn’t write that stuff. Secondly, can I print it out in huge letters on lots of green paper and lay it out in the yard? That will surely make the earth a little greener, particularly right now. And finally, “if possible, resist”? (I added the comma. Apparently, they also resist punctuation.) Are you kidding me? I will do exactly what I consider to be the right thing for me to do under the circumstances and in no way will consider saving paper, unless, of course, I choose to save paper for some real purpose like not wanting to waste money, or needing to conserve the little paper I have before I can get to the store to replenish my supply! They do still sell paper at the store, right? It hasn’t been taken off the shelves for killing the planet yet, has it?

I have been tired of the greenies for a long time. I have obviously been aware of the companies who are adopting green policies, but concluded that it’s just a part of their marketing plans. Now the insidious propaganda campaigning to embrace the green outside of St. Patrick’s Day has spread so far that it has actually attached itself under my name. This, I will not tolerate and shall be met with my full fury!

All right. I’ll start slowly and work my way toward full fury.

I will begin by putting one of these on the bottom of all my email correspondence in a small effort to counterbalance the absolute tripe to which we have all become unwitting accomplices:

“Pave the world and slope it toward the ocean”; or, “Stop Plate Tectonics!”

They are neither more extreme, nor more ridiculous than heeding the global green siren and attempting to regulate the climate of the earth.

Regarding the color of our planet, I can say only two things for certain: I will never knowingly contribute to its “greening” and that I am slowly contributing to its whitening, which is much more of a concern to me.

Here is Stephen’s email signature contribution: Please disregard any anti-industrial environmentalist propaganda that may be automatically appended to this message. Such messages not only contradict my own views, but are detrimental to the human race. - SRB”

He's a keeper.

1 comment:

HaynesBE said...

Just want to wish you the best of holidays. I hope you make some wonderful memories with your family.